After so many years, we become self-appointed “experts” on our partners. Some of our “spouse-ologist” duties include finishing their sentences, talking over them because we already know what they’re going to say, and being absolutely certain about their intentions and motivations. I used to excel at this.
After so many years, we become self-appointed “experts” on our partners. Some of our “spouse-ologist” duties include finishing their sentences, talking over them because we already know what they’re going to say, and being absolutely certain about their intentions and motivations. I used to excel at this. No one knew my partner better than I did…not even her! I was able to tell her precisely what she was thinking; mostly before she even thought it! It was amazing; I was able to tell her exactly why she was reacting in a certain way and even how she wanted me to react.
Now, I can’t remember when or how I developed these superhuman abilities, all I know is that the more I honed them, the less satisfying my relationship became. Could it be that my partner actually had thoughts and feelings that I didn’t know? Was it possible that all of these things I so surely “knew” came from somewhere within myself? This was a scary thought. If Lara wasn’t who I’d decided that she was, who could she possibly be?
The answer was both exhilarating and terrifying. Lara was precisely and exactly the person I’d fallen in love with so many years ago. When we met, I wanted to know everything; I couldn’t get enough. Just like the early days of your relationship, ours was filled with bliss. There was a hunger to know and feel and understand each other. Somewhere along the line, though, my old “survival-minded” brain decided that the initial sexy, exciting mysteriousness might be a little dangerous. If there were things I didn’t know, there were things I couldn’t control. The separateness and “otherness” that was so attractive became a source of fear. Because we humans generally shun fear-inducing things, I started to discount her otherness. It was easy; Lara became an extension of me. As far as I was concerned, my thoughts, desires, likes and dislikes were hers too. When she had a desire or made a choice that didn’t agree with my preconceived ideas, it felt like an assault on our “togetherness”. Now, none of this was a choice. I didn’t wake up next to her one morning and think, “this lovely person would very much like to become a little branch of me and everything I believe. I’ll start projecting all of my own feelings and fears onto her in an effort to avoid accepting that she is her own human and could conceivably leave me at any time.” That would be ridiculous and more than a little weird.
As I started to gain some awareness of my fears, I also began to re-imagine Lara as the woman I’d fallen in love with so many years ago. Instead of tantruming when she wanted to go to an art show instead of watching Forensic Files at home, I took a breath and remembered “she is not me”. The more I was able to do this, the stronger our connection became. I no longer saw her happy hours with friends as a selfish and immature indulgence. It was Lara’s charisma and outgoing nature that attracted me to her; I had been smothering that with my fears. I’d become threatened by the very things I loved the most about her. As she was able to spend more time filling her charismatic cup, she came back to life, and so did our relationship. Of course it wasn’t this simple and there was a lot of work involved, but hopefully you get the idea.
Stay tuned for more on how our own defenses block our true nature. Until then, remember, if you can stay conscious, curious, and compassionate, you can stay connected!
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